Monday night journal:
Today was a very long day. I am exhausted. Today came with new challenges in my business that I have to deal with really quick. I started a Google adwords campaign to try to get new clients through my website and didn’t realize how much work I should’ve done before running the ad.
So I quit at my usual time to relax before going to bed. Today a few times and Ricky still trying to get a hold of me. But I told him I was busy which was true but at the same time I was frustrated because he knows Mondays are very long days for me because of a standing meeting I have every week. He tried every which way to contact me. Part of me wants to be there for him as a friend because he just lost his Mom and he’s looking for a job and I feel I can help him but at the same time he is someone that is not coachable. So I basically given up on the job front with him. I can’t tell you how many times I have told him that Monday’s it’s really hard to reach me because of my meetings so I feel like I’m not being heard.
I laid down after work and hugged a pillow and fell asleep. I fell asleep thinking I wish I had a man’s chest or belly to fall asleep on. Not sure what I was dreaming but I woke up trembling with a racing heartbeat. Again this happens a lot and I don’t know what it is happened to me in my dream. I remember my hair being stroked while I slept but something happened after that makes me wake up in a panic. Afterwards I am often angry and snappy with my son or whomever may be around until I and fully awake after I have these nightmares.
My meds are all off. I am on a partial strike I guess you can say. Instead of taking them at regular times I take them if I think of it and whenever I fucking feel like it. I think that’s why I been having more vivid dreams. I been in a “I don’t care” mood since I got back from my Psychiatrist visit. I been eating like crap I figure if doctors don’t care what is put inside my body why should I. I ate junk all day and almost every day since my appointment. That’s why I had to prune my lettuce back so much because I haven’t been eating what I been growing. I didn’t even eat dinner tonight and it’s too late now to.
Today was so stressful! I had a supervisor call today and this guy was a real ass. I refunded him without having him send back all the stuff right away because he threatened to go all over social media and tell everyone what a scam my client is. So I send him a echeck I had to bother my client to create for me and I send it to him. He calls back into the call center and my agent says he is talking profane and to just send him his money which we already did! So I tell my agent to call me and that he can print the echeck and shove it up his ass on a recorded line nonetheless. My son was working next to me and was like in shock, the agent couldn’t write an email fast enough to this customer asking how the hell he wants his refund because we sent it to him – Twice! I told my agent I would call him back to see what his problem was.
Ugh. I am just mad and frustrated at the world right now. It’s days like today I wish I had a guy in my life that was sane and caring.
It’s midnight so I guess I will finish watching King of Queens and then go to bed. I have nothing going on tomorrow so I guess if I sleep badly I have the opportunity to relax somewhat because my Wednesday is packed from morning until night with meetings and therapy.
— August 29, 2016