I slept really good last night maybe because I was really tired last night. It was a long day yesterday. Today is going to be even longer. I didn’t have any dreams last night that I remember and didn’t wake up feeling like I did.
Just got back from therapy and I feel triggered in some way but I felt triggered when I left so I am not sure if it was therapy. I liked doing the exercise in therapy to find a safe place but I think I need a new safe place or alter my existing safe place somehow. One safe place I thought of was this big rock in Lincoln Pond in NY where I grew up. I would sit on the big rock just outside the campground entrance and fish for hours. I would look at a small island in the middle of the pond and wish I could somehow explore it. My parents would go on the other side of the pond but I would walk to the big rock and just sit there and think and fish. My dad would tell me if I caught small pan fish I would have to gut and clean anything I caught because unless it was a bass my dad wasn’t interested in it. But I would catch the small fish like pumpkinseed and perch and I would think it was perfect so I would take them home and clean them and then pan fry them……
I came home and wanted to take a shower and something stopped me it was like I could not catch my breath so I just stopped for now and heated up my heating pad and am laying on my bed journaling my feelings. But laying in bed I feel dirty so I can’t relax until I wash up. Being outside and coming to bed I need to be clean. I even keep my shoes outside my bedroom. Call it an OCD thing. So I took a quick shower so I could feel cleaner and be cleaner. I turned around and both animals were in the bathroom. It’s almost like they can smell fear and was checking in to see if I was OK.
I felt like something was trying to come to the surface in therapy and it was towards the end of my session and not sure if I purposely dismissed it due to time or if I was afraid to bring it up. But I don’t know what it is. I hate that. I think I will relax and try and clear my mind and hope it comes to the surface. The only thing that comes to mind is today I was looking for my sneakers so my feet wouldn’t get wet and I was afraid to go to the boxes that I never unpacked for fear of what I might find. I don’t know what it is. I don’t like small rooms maybe it’s that. Who knows. I wanted to ask Kenny to help me go through the boxes but hesitated.— August 31, 2016