Last night I slept pretty well which is been amazing actually. I have a psychiatrist appointment today and I honestly don’t want to go I’ve already rescheduled once. I don’t want any more medication and maybe that’s what he will push on me but at least he’s always open to my decision to take medication or not.
I don’t even know what I will say going in to my appointment. I’m not anxious about driving there. I just don’t want to go. I’m tired of taking fucking pills That don’t work. 120 klonopin pills and 60 beta blockers in my body every month and half the time I can’t get out the fucking door. Even my klonopin sometimes does a bad job at managing my anxiety. Thank God I’m never in his office more than 10 minutes. I keep telling myself I’m just going for the refill so I don’t have to do it a month from now. But I can think of 85 reasons why I don’t want to go. I really don’t have $85 right now for something that I can’t see helping me. The things that seem to help right now end up hurting me more in the long run with the exception of my faith in God.
So I go to my psychiatrist appt and am given 1 old med that I am back on and one new one. Like I need more pills. I don’t care if they are all low doses like he said it’s still stuff I don’t want. I left feeling defeated and wanting to give up. So I went to Starbucks and Publix for some comfort items. Came home and snapped at a friend on the phone.
Came home to drown myself in work and my Starbucks and a worker said that she was sending me a supervisor call to handle and the lady was such a bitch I gave her my clients email address and told her to email him. Normally I can handle any kind of complaint or irate person but today I am angry and could not show compassion to save my life.