Journal: (Graphic) Reliving rape over and over

I keep thinking about a memory when I was about 12 or so that involves my mom and my uncle who raped me many times as a child. I remember walking into a conversation about how he would treat me like I was his own child and I wasn’t sure why he was saying that. Him and his wife were both saying it. We went sightseeing because they came from California and there is a lot of history up in the adirondack mountains. And I remember my sister and I fighting about something in the car to fort Ticonderoga and he turned around to me and said something to the effect that it was not nice to be so ugly. I took that to mean physically being ugly but he meant it in a different context.

A month or two later my mom told me I was going to California to live with my aunt and uncle. On the way to the airport my mom was telling me how bad my uncle was and all the awful things he used to do when he was younger. She told me to watch my back with him. I remember wanting to ask why I am being sent there if I always have to be on guard. I shrugged it off and tried not to think about it. When I got to California it was just my uncle home. My aunt was working.  I was tired from the trip and was sitting on the couch with my uncle watching a movie. He said it was about a niece who took care of her uncle. The movie was like a soft porn but I was so tired I fell asleep on my uncle’s shoulder. He was stroking my hair and I remember thinking this was a nice change to the way I was treated at home. I woke up instantly when I felt him taking my bra off and he started fondling me. He apologized and said he had too much to drink and the feeling of trust and safety went out the window that moment. He made a comment to me that if I had said anything no one would believe me. I told him I was tired and went to bed. I heard the garage door open when I was in my room do I knew my aunt was home. The next day I called home and asked how long I had to stay here and my mom said she didn’t know. I was upset with my mom and just hung up.

When my aunt was around I enjoyed being with her. She would show me how to cook different dishes from El Salvador and she would make us a Pepsi with vanilla ice cream. We would look at Avon makeup or she would do my nails etc. I wanted to tell her what happened the night before but I was afraid to. I didn’t want to hurt her and at the same time I believed the threat my uncle made.

My aunt was working more than home and my uncle had his way with me every second he could. Every day and most days several times a day. I would call home often and no one seemed to say they missed me.

Sometimes when he was having sex with my he would intentionally inflict pain on me to get a reaction out of me because most times I would be still and quiet hoping it would be over soon.

When I had sex with my first boyfriend I didn’t understand why he wasn’t holding me down or being rough with me. It felt different and I would naturally resist or try and push him away. He would ask me if he was hurting me or if I wanted him to stop and I couldn’t understand why he would ask me that. I moved to Montreal and lived with him. We started swinging because he said it was something he always wanted to do so I said sure why not. The first couple we were with the man was rough the way I was used to it. My boyfriend would look at me while I was being fucked by this guy and see that I was turned on my my legs being forced open or my hands being held down. It seemed to make him happy to see me like that. Afterwards when we went back home all I would want to do is be held by my boyfriend and just be silent. He would ask if I was ok and I would say yes that I was just tired.

I am writing this because I am trying to work out in my mind why I have submissive tendencies and still to this day need to be held down to a degree in order to have sex. Why do I push away but am not aware I am doing it unless it’s brought up to me. Where do I go mentally when I am having sex and how do I stay present. I just want to be normal so that the next guy I am with doesn’t think I am some crazy bitch who is a tease.

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