down but not out

Just another setback full of triggers

Well it’s 4:30 in the morning. Yesterday morning I received a phone call from the VINE network to let me know that the man who killed my (almost) 2 year old son 13 years ago was being released from prison in 30 days and plans on moving about 30 minutes away from me. I thought for sure I was headed back to the hospital. I was triggered all day long in everything I did. I felt like I had a major setback. I felt like no one understood or truly cared about what I was going through. I still feel that way today.

So Last night I just laid in bed instead of talking to anyone before bed and discovered P!nks greatest hits as something new to listen to. Found out that I really like her so downloaded the album from Apple Music. I asked my son last night to do chores simple chores. One being to shut my computer down so it doesn’t over heat again and do the dishes and wipe down counters. I got up to heat my heating pad up and find none was done and to boot the security system was never armed before bed. My dog senses my tension and pisses on my floor. I bang on my sons door and yell at the top of my lungs what needs to be done. So now at 4:51 he is doing chores but come to find out when I get up a couple hours later they were never done. All I want to do is remain as trigger free so I stay out of the fucking hospital. Yesterday’s call that my sons killer is being released in 30 days did not help me stay trigger free. So now I put an Amish movie on, made a toast, take a klonopin and going to try and relax. My one goal is to get outside today. I would love to return a shirt to a store today that I bought and sadly can’t figure out how it goes on (long story) so it’s going back. If not I plan on staying as busy as I can today work wise. Lord let this weekend be over quickly. 

One comment

  1. Oh, my goodness, Michelle…I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I just read your post, although I see that it was written over a week ago, and I’m at a total loss for words. How are you doing now?

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