Journal: Needy men and sleepless nights

Monday journal:

12am and I am awake. I can’t really complain. I set myself up for this by sleeping all day and most of Saturday. So I go on Facebook and check my mail and Ricky was on there bitching at me that he has been trying to reach me everyday and that I must not be interested in him anymore. Damn give me a fucking break. I told him we could only be friends and nothing more a few times and he still don’t get it. What is it with me and men who act like children when I don’t communicate every second with them. I had to block him on my phone just to get a breather. That’s why he didn’t hear from me. But to hunt me down online that is just immature. So blocked he will stay. I have this problem with almost every relationship I have been in. I had one boyfriend come home at odd times just make sure I was home and alone. I have never cheated on anyone I dated or was married to but for some reason men feel like I would be unfaithful to them.

I take it back i cheated on one boyfriend in Montreal and we were in a open relationship with a couple and he knew them because we were all together several times. He just happened to come home and see us making out on the sofa. I was like 19 or 20 years old. Sigh. Back then I was modeling for redken to pay for part of my school which was no big deal it was just hair and makeup. But fast forward 20 plus years and I still find this in the men I date so it can’t be the glam makeup. I don’t know.  It just frustrates me. Ricky and I are just friends and I told him that is all I can be for him. So why he is acting like a spoiled brat is beyond me. Instead of asking if I was ok he just put it all on him not getting attention from me. I have little to no desire now to email or call him. Ok I spent way too much time journaling about this. He actually triggered a pain response in my body he got me that upset. 

 On another note. I am worried that when Kenny turns 20 In a couple weeks I am going to lose the child support and medical benefits he gets now through the military. That will be a financial setback for sure. That will be rough to lose that and have my other son’s killer be released the following week. I need a bigger boat. I can only take so much more. 

 4 more hours before I have to wake up. This sucks. But at least I did get lots of rest this weekend  hopefully I can get a couple more hours of sleep tonight. Monday is packed full of meetings and interviews and my to do list is growing from emails I see from one cheap ass client who expects miracles for 10 hours a month. I purposely didn’t answer him today. I have a 3-4 hour Monday morning meeting every week. I just hope that ends early and I am able to function during it. 

 I woke up at 6am which I am happy about. I had some very strange dreams that make no sense though. 

 I think I am going to thin out my lettuce plants and prune my tomato plants back this morning before I do any work. I saw they needed it badly yesterday but yesterday I was pretty numb and not caring about much of anything. I may even treat myself to a Starbucks this morning. I have a feeling I will need it. It’s the closest to cafe con leche I can get without real milk (can’t drink milk). So I am going to finish watching Chesapeake shores and then get on with my day. 

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