I just read some of my novel on my iPad trying to relax and took my klonopin. I can’t seem to think straight today. I ordered a shipt order to come for what I thought would be tomorrow at 8am and it came at 8pm tonight. Luckily I was awake to get the order.
I am afraid to take the sleeping pill my Psychiatrist prescribed me. I just can’t bring myself to take it. I don’t want to be in this bed alone and take all this medication. Tomorrow early I have SAT papers to grade. Potential clients to talk to. What if I am so out of it I can’t think straight. I have been making tiny little mistakes all week like tonight with my Shipt order. That is not like me. On the weekend being as depressed as I get I am also afraid to be taking these extra pills. I will just do the best I can to battle my depression and sleep.
Tonight I did not talk to anyone before bed. I didn’t go much on the dating sites just briefly enough to check messages and delete all the messages that I plan on not responding to.
I worked up until 8pm for my one west coast client who has expanded my job duties. I was happy about that sorta. My days are starting to be tightly filled with meetings and new projects that I hope I can keep up with mentally. My brain has so much stuff in it all floating around with a million thoughts about so many things. Sometimes it’s hard to maintain my train of thought and I often wonder if my words make sense to others I speak with.
So now I am going to put the phone down. Try not to be tempted to check messages when I do wake up in the middle of the night. I have my Christian music on very low which is mainly instrumental. I am going to cuddle with my cat and try and sleep. I may read one more chapter in my book though but I had thoughts I wanted to get down so I could fall asleep better.
2:30am I get up to go to the bathroom and hear my son in his bathroom also which is odd. 2:45am I text him asking if he is ok. He said he was shaking and had bad stomach pain. So I knocked on his door to make sure he is ok and now at 3am he is ok. And he said he was thanking God for him stopping his pain. I thanked God also. Then thought what if I had taken that sleeping pill? I wouldn’t be able to drive him to the hospital when he needed me. This time I would be the one half baked lol. I couldn’t imagine if I took that pill and had to bring my son to the hospital at 2:30 am. I was ready to go because he was in pain even though a hospital would be my trigger at this time I would go for my son. I was sleeping good up until this point. I don’t want to go back to sleep until I know he is back in bed and feeling better so I figured I would add to my journal. 3:10am he is feeling better and I am going to try to rest since I have to be up grading papers this morning early.
So it’s 5:30AM and I slept a little bit more which was good. I think I found the secret to helping me sleep better. I surrounded myself on both sides of my body with pillows and feels like I am being held. It gets really warm which is opposite to what I like. But for some reason it feels warm like if someone else was in bed with me. I’m going to keep trying this trick to see if it helps me sleep going forward. I think the feeling of the pillows and the thought of being loved together will make it easier at night. I hope for the long term and not just tonight.