panic attacks relationships toxic people

First severe panic attack in a LONG time and alone (still)

Today I had a bad panic attack. My heart rate raced to 161 BPM. I was home alone. My son left for band practice at church. I was dizzy, hot and red faced, walked like I was drunk and my stomach was all messed up. Being 49 years of age and having a heart rate that high when sitting still is very scary.

I took a picture of my Apple watch with my high heart rate and text my son “I need you to come home, I don’t feel well” then sent a pic of my heart rate. His response was “I just got here and just set up”. No concern for me at all. Nothing. Just an ice cube response. My son is now 22. I don’t know what to do. I never felt so alone.

I remember when I was younger and I would hear married people tell me they never felt so alone and I would wonder why, at least they had someone to talk to? To watch TV with? Cuddle? Kiss? I totally get it now. I am experiencing it with my own son. Someone that I gave birth too and sat through so many doctor visits because he was severely asthmatic as a kid. His father has never been in the picture. I did it all alone and now that he is an adult I am still doing it alone. It’s not fair.

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