Every time this time of year I get incredibly sad because it is the month that my son was killed, some years it flies by under my worry radar and I don’t realize until well after August was over that the anniversary has passed. This year has hit me exceptionally hard and I am not exactly sure why. I believe it is triggered by the person who murdered my son release date is next year.
So this month I spent a great deal of time depressed and sleeping during the day. This is not like me at all. I usually HATE to sleep during the day because usually that means that I will be up all night and I have to wake up around 5AM to start my day. Luckily I set my business up to where if I need a break or day off, my workers have everything under control and if they need me, I am just a text away.
Today I woke up and I was feeling very anxious, not sure what is worst, being anxious to the point of having panic attacks or being depressed and crying at the drop of a hat. I guess personally depression is worst. It’s dark and scary. Not that panic attacks and anxiety aren’t scary, they are, but most of the time panic attacks don’t last long. When I have panic attacks, I usually get several in a day and they last about 30 minutes each. sometimes I know what my trigger is or was and I can calm them down, other times I have no idea what my trigger is. I think my trigger today was telling one of my clients that I would end our contract at the end of the month. Afterwards I felt very anxious right away. My heart rate went up to around 103 bpm and my BP was 140/100. Making this decision was not an easy one, but one that I had been considering for a long time and felt I needed to do for a number of reasons.
Today my anxiety was so bad that I was afraid to eat the Chinese food I ordered. Friday’s in my house is Family Night and we usually order pizza but today my son wanted Chinese. So I ordered Chinese. I ordered some steamed dumplings and honey chicken. 2 hours later I had some dumplings but did not try the other food. I always order my food without MSG because I am very sensitive to it and I KNOW when its in my food pretty quickly after eating it. I think I was paranoid that my food would be overly greasy and or have MSG in it. The free egg roll that I got I squeezed with a paper towel and the towel was soaked in grease. I threw it out. Having an upset stomach AND panic is not a good combo. Going forward if my son wants Chinese, he can have it and I will stick with a healthier choice. I am 45 years old, I can’t eat like I could when I was 19 :).
Since my anxiety today started when I was working at my desk, to get rid of my anxiety, I made some mint tea and I also had a peppermint lifesaver candy. I have to say that Peppermint Lifesavers and organic mint tea are my true lifesavers! Peppermint calms down my anxiety pretty quickly. I keep peppermint in my purse and in close reach to me at all times. I always make sure that I have my at least 2 boxes of my tea unopened an available, in one day I typically have 1-4 cups of my tea. It took me several tests of tea to see which one seemed to help my anxiety the best, and I found Numi Moroccan Mint tea is the only one that works for me. I can’t always find it in the stores, so I order mine on Amazon and have a subscribe and save on it (See Numi Organic Tea Moroccan Mint, Full Leaf Herbal Teasan, Caffeine Free, 18-Count Tea Bags (Pack of 3)I can usually save a few dollars on Amazon than when I see it at Publix and to me it is as essential as having Air Conditioning in Florida!