Journal: Yes! I got some sleep!

Last night is the first night that I can say I got a decent night sleep. I talked to the sadist guy briefly on FaceTime who was half baked on pot. He is the one who I spoke with and said he had anxiety and agoraphobia issues and I could tell when we facetimed last night. He admitted being nervous talking to me which surprised me. He wants to meet this week because this week he is working in Tampa. I told him I had a busy week coming up which is true and if he smokes pot honestly I am not wanting to meet anyone who does drugs.

Last night my son said he would treat me for breakfast if I wanted to go out this morning. I feel pretty good this morning and am going to try and get out the door for breakfast. I do need to get water also so I am going to do my best to get out. I haven’t drove my car since the last time I met the “mistake guy” a couple weeks ago. Last Sunday my Son wanted to go to church and I didn’t because I wasn’t feeling all that well and he said he would take an Uber to church and at first I was OK with that and then it reminded me of when I wanted to go to church as a kid and nobody would drive me to church. So I told him to give me a few minutes to get dressed and I picked up the keys to leave the house and I just could not get out the front door and I just started to break down and cry and he ended up taking an uber over to church anyways but ended up coming home early. I doubt I will be able to do church breakfast and going to the grocery store today but just to get out of the house would be nice. I kind of need it to be honest.

So I proved myself wrong. I went out for breakfast, went to publix to get water and cookies as a treat for getting myself out of the house and then my son asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. Ugh is what I was thinking but I went. Church was pretty packed and I just wanted to leave. But i stayed. They are starting a 90 day tithe challenge where if you don’t get a return on your tithes they will refund 100% of your tithes. I instantly God very angry. What a slap in Gods face if you go to your pastor and ask for all your tithes back. I then envisioned being shamed if your financial situation didn’t improve. So on the way back from church we stopped at Wendy’s for a sandwich and something cold because it was HOT outside. As I was eating my lunch I sat down on my computer and googled the tithe refund. It seems like many many churches are doing this. It makes me sad. I was going to have my son go up for prayer for his porn addiction that he asked me for help with. Pastor is even offering a men’s porn addiction small group next month run by him. Maybe because I have been shamed by him personally I just don’t know if that is the right route for him to get help. I told him to check out as a proactive step 12 step groups for sex addictions and to also start a porn addiction bible study on his phone as a start. I tried blocking porn on openDNS which has always worked for me before but now I can’t get it to work. Just another demon I feel needs to be slayed.

I plan on spending the rest of the day relaxing and doing nothing.

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